2015-16 NBA Power Rankings: Pre-Season


RANK

TEAM / RECORD COMMENTS
1All commentary that the Warriors were somehow “lucky” is silly. These Warriors were statistically remarkable both offensively and defensively and had one of the greatest margins of victory in league history. Can they repeat though? Incredibly difficult to do, just ask “The Best Coach in Basketball” who has failed in all 5 attempts.

2Will Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili be healthy contributors come playoff time? If the answer is no (it is) then the Spurs lack a top 5 backcourt in the West making surviving 3 rounds nearly impossible.
3OMG did you see LeBron in the Amy Schumer movie? Hilarious! That guy really does make everyone around him better. When he fails to win his third title despite opening the season as the favorites for the 7th or 8th time it definitely won’t be his fault.
4The line to punch every member of this team straight in the cock stretches from the Staples Center to Bakersfield. Also, Doc Rivers is a terrible coach whose teams have underachieved every single year but one.

5What a fun season it will be that every day we get to ask whether or not Kevin Durant will stay! What a great team to watch on TV. What a terrible pick to actually make it out of the West.

6
Houston
56-26
Do you enjoy watching terrible, disjointed basketball and tons of free throws? Then you will love the Rockets! Also- that Dwight Howard, man. What a card!

7
Memphis
55-27
They will be about as good as they have been each of the last 4 years. With a break or two they could lose badly in the WC Finals but will most likely go out in the first or second round.

8It can’t be overstated how terrible their coaching was last year. If Alvin Gentry can even be replacement level as a coach this team will bank an extra 5 wins. Hot take: Anthony Davis is the best player in the NBA right this second.

9
Dallas
50-32

Looks like Cubes finally got Deron Williams!! Congrats Mavs, you have successfully accomplished EXACTLY what Cubes promised he wouldn’t do- get stuck right in the middle. Cubes blew up a championship roster too early only to end up at 47 wins and the 18th pick in the draft forever. The best is hearing Cubes trying to explain things or sign free agent centers. It’s a disaster.


10
Miami
37-45
These guys are supposed to be the biggest threat to Cleveland in the East? Seriously NBA, why don’t you just tell half the country to go fuck themselves and contract the Eastern Conference?

11

Atlanta
60-22

I hate the Eastern Conference so much because Atlanta is actually considered to be a good team. It has to be bad for the health of the league that the only way anyone east of the Mississippi can watch good basketball is by staying up until 1 in the morning, right?


12

Chicago
50-32

Derrick Rose says he is fine and at the same time he has double vision. I’m not so sure why we care anymore, he’s absolutely just the fourth best player on his team and we live in an NBA where there is no way you can compete for a title if Derrick Rose is your fourth best player.


13
Toronto
49-33
If this were a ranking of which team’s GM swears the most and makes the biggest ass of himself Toronto would be right near the top. Instead this is a ranking of how good teams are which means Toronto is right in the middle. Get your lint rollers ready.

14

Milwaukee
41-41

Jason Kidd is actually a really good coach! I’m being for reals guys. And he gets Jabari Parker this year. Jason Kidd is also a complete douche bag but that shouldn’t stop him from getting this team all the way to the F, B, Iiiiiii... I mean 2nd round.


15I think that John Wall and Bradley Beal will continue to improve and that alone will make Washington a candidate for 50 wins in the East, or an 11 seed in the West.

16
Utah
38-44
I like Utah. Not the state or any of the people, but they are actually assembling some decent basketball talent. It’s a shame we won’t be able to watch Dante Exum struggle in every facet this year but this team is totally good enough to earn the 13th pick in the draft.

17

Phoenix
39-43

You dont break up the Morris twins after they took less money to stay together. The twins curse is now upon you Phoenix. No it isn’t as bad as the curse of being owned by Robert Sarver, but it’s close.


18

Boston
40-42

Who says that a complete teardown that lands you tons of middle of the first round picks cant get you the 6th seed in the worst conference in the history of sport? Time to celebrate Danny Ainge, YOU DID IT!


19

Detroit
32-50

I like Stan Van Panic. You should too. The guy is by all accounts awesome and he coaches the shit out of guys and his teams almost ALWAYS overperform. He is like the anti Doc Rivers. Plus he did this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y08gvG…

LONG LIVE COACH VAN PANIC


20

Indiana
38-44

Remember when Paul George was the next rival to LeBron James? Neither do I. Larry Bird, you’re going the wrong way.


21YES! Vivek Randive is the best. The man makes Jimmy Buss look like Jerry Buss. I cannot wait for this team to explode and then dissect the body parts strewn everywhere. TMZ sports should probably just assign an entire crew to cover this team because its going to be fantastic.

22

Charlotte
33-49

I’m hearing that Jordan has a new 59 degree wedge in his bag that he has been using as a utility club around the greens.


23
Orlando
25-57
Let’s put this team back into the crockpot for a year or two and check on them then. Because for now they are just raw, uncooked ingredients.

24They could be fun to watch. I hope they are fun to watch. I’m out on Zach LaVine though you guys.

25

Are they JUST good enough to win enough games to send their top 3 protected pick to Philadelphia? You betcha! Any chance that Kobe Bryant accepts a new role as mentor and facilitator will go out the window after 3 weeks and the realization that they cannot win no matter what style he plays. Prepare for another year of torture Lakers fans!


26How can you get rid of Deron Williams and still get worse? They don’t even have draft picks to look forward to. This franchise is fucked. They mortgaged their entire future for a couple trips to the second round.

27
Denver
30-52
That Mudiay kid should be kinda fun to watch. GALINARI FOR COMEBACK PLAYER OF THE YEAR!

28

New York
17-65

MY EYES OH GOD MY EYES MAKE IT STOP!


29I hope that LaMarcus Aldridge was at least kind enough to turn out the lights on his way out of town.

30Thank god Moses Malone and Darryl Dawkins aren’t around to witness this.

Share This Story